I almost lost my wife once. She had been hurting for a very long time. I was a pretty insensitive husband who was more interested in being successful at work than at home. Don’t get me wrong, I was not a bad guy. I never hit my wife, or swore at her; I never even raised my voice to her. Despite never treating her badly, I was hurting her every day. Every day I put my job first, I broke her heart a little more. Every day I chose to work on a day off, I pushed her further away. Now she understood that my work was very important to me and when she married me, she knew I was ambitious and driven. These things weren’t the problem. She understood that in my line of work sometimes it meant working long days and sometimes long weeks. These things weren’t the problem. The problems arose when I didn’t have to work long days and weeks, but chose to anyway. The problems arose when I would come home from a long day of work and then go to the computer to study sales sheets, stats, and flyers. The problems were when, I was on track to hit my goals, but was not content with that. No, if I was able to hit 100%, then I could hit 110% or even 120%.
After 8 years of growing depression and feeling neglected my wife decided I could not change, nor could I make her happy again. When she first confronted me I didn’t take her seriously, in fact, I was angry because she was not grateful for my sacrifice. I mean, I always worked hard so she didn’t have to. Most of our marriage she was a stay at home mom, and I felt I deserved a little respect for being the provider of the family. When I finally realized she was serious, it was too late. I became desperate, and like all Christians, I turned to God. However, my prayers sounded like this “Oh Lord, please change Jenises heart so she can see what a mistake she is making.” Sometimes I would pray; “Lord, please help Jenise to see how she is hurting the children.” I was praying alright, but I was not praying the right way or with the right heart. As I read the book “How to be a praying husband,” it talked about praying to change “my” heart so that I can be the man my wife needs me to be. That was a new concept for me because it suggested that perhaps my wife was not necessarily wrong and maybe I was not necessarily right. In fact, a good friend once suggested that I quit worrying about which one of us was right and just worry about doing what I needed to fix the situation. In fact his exact words were “Victor, I completely agree with you and how you feel. You are absolutely right in this matter; and you’re going to be right, all the way to divorce court.” Then he asked me “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married, because I doubt you will be both.” At first, I was not ready to start praying for my change because of my pride. God actually took care of that in a hurry, which could be a whole testimony in itself. Once my pride was a little more in check I began to ask God to become the man that Jenise had dreamed about marrying. Slowly but surely, God began to reveal to me, some very misguided thoughts I had on how things should be.
 |
| This was my junior, her senior prom. 1992 |
The first place I found myself, was in the book of Ephesians. In the 25th verse of the 5th chapter husbands are instructed to love our wives Christ loved the church. I was already familiar with the verse as many other husbands and I had discussed that it meant if the time came, we had to be willing to die for our wives. Except now, I had been given a new meaning for the verse. Christ did more than just die for us; He sacrificed everything he wanted to do for himself. He sacrificed His goals, His dreams, and any future plans He might have had of raising a family or being a carpenter like His father, Joseph. He gave up His own personal comfort and He gave up what HE wanted to do. That was very big for me. Men, how many of you have goals for yourself or maybe even your family that are tearing your family apart or at least putting a strain on your relationships. Husbands, I want to challenge you to see if you would be willing to give up your hopes and dreams for your wife’s happiness, or do you constantly sacrifice your wife happiness for your dreams and goals? Now, I am not talking about making an ultimate sacrifice. I used to tell my wife all the time that if she wanted me to I would quit my job for her, and we could live in a shack and not provide for our family. Of course, I always hoped to God she would never ask me to do it, because I don’t think I could have. Throwing in the guilt trip of providing for the family would usually end the discussion. That was just my lame way of making her think I was putting her above my work. But I realized, it is not about the big things and the big sacrifices. It is in the little things that we show our wives we love them. Our work gets us for 5 days a week. Our family only gets 2 days. How can your family be more important than work, when you cannot even manage to give them 2 days a week? Now husbands, I understand there are circumstances when extra time is required of you, and I can assure you, our wives understand this too. But when it becomes routine to work long days and weeks, they really miss us a lot. I understand bills need to be paid and we all want nice things, but do not ever work at a job that requires you to neglect your family. Oh, and you do not get to decide what is neglect, they do. There are thousands of jobs out there and when push comes to shove, you can always get another job, people do it every day. But you can never replace the family that you have now. Do not ever put less effort into your marriage because you think your wife will always be around for you. So now, I understood that if I was going to love my wife the way Christ loved the Church that meant I needed to be willing to sacrifice more than just my life if the situation came up. I needed to be willing to sacrifice for her, everyday.
But God wasn’t done with me yet. You see, not only did Jesus sacrifice for us, but he did it, at a time when we did not deserve it. That brought up some questions for me so asked God, “Does this mean that if my wife doesn’t want me to do something, that I shouldn’t do it?” Well what if she is being unreasonable or unfair? Then could I justify not sacrificing what I wanted to do, to make her happy? What about my happiness and what I want. Then an interesting thought popped into my head. What if I took the first step in being unselfish? What if my wife saw me making an effort to put her needs and wants above my own? I wonder if it might make her maybe sacrifice foe me once in awhile? If you only could have known me back then, you would know what a foreign concept that was to me. But then I thought to myself “Sometimes, I really don’t think Jenise deserves to have me sacrifice the things I want.” I can’t tell you how fast that thought was replaced with “Good thing Jesus didn’t feel that way.” I think that thought, jumped in my head before the first one was even done.
So now I realized that not only did I need to sacrifice for my wife but sometimes I needed to do it when she didn’t deserve it. That is because I feel that I must love my wife more than myself and how can I say that when I always put my needs ahead of hers? At this point I thought I had the verse figured out. Then I realized that not only did Christ sacrifice for us at a time when we didn’t deserve it, but he also did it at a time when we didn’t ask him to. Oh man, that was huge for me. Husbands, how many times have you asked your wife to do something and she said “yes.” You knew in your heart that she didn’t want you to do it but you justified it by saying “Well if she didn’t want me to do it, she should have said no.” Aren’t you glad Jesus didn’t have that type of attitude? He saw our need and he did what he knew, needed to be done. He even did it in spite of everyone telling him not too. He was able to look past what we said we wanted to realize what we really needed. Husbands, when you wife tells you it is ok, to do something and you know she doesn’t want you to do it; you need to not do it. Even if she says she is ok with it. That would be one way to show your wife how much she means to you and how much you love her.
How many of you have wives, that if they saw you making these sacrifices for them on a regular basis, would not in turn, do the same for you? I doubt any of you have that type of wife. My hope is this; Husbands do not blow this off and assume it doesn’t apply to you. Do not ever assume that you know exactly how your wife feels. Instead, take this to her and let her read it. Ask her if you are loving her as it is described in these pages. When you married your wife, you made a promise to her that you would love her. Don’t make those just empty words that everyone says. Make it your daily ambition to fulfill those words to her every day, and watch the love and sacrifice you will get in return. Our God has given us very specific instructions on how we are to love. If you want to be a man of God then you must love your wife the way He has very plainly laid it out for us. I have known the fear of knowing that I was going to lose a job, but I can tell you, it does not even compare to the feeling of knowing that I was going to lose my family.
I originally wrote this about 4 years ago and to give you an update, I think I work just as much now as I did then. I might even work more, now that we run a family business. The difference is, I have worked very hard to create an environment where I can work hard and still be a huge part of my family. In being blessed with ELITE Fitness, Jenise can work with me so even though I am working long hours, she is right there with me. We work together 6 days a week and we love every minute of it. So much so, that on the rare occasion I have to work out of town, we miss each other like crazy after the first day. Our kids get dropped off at the gym, not at home. They do their homework at the gym and then they help out. My kids clean the gym and check people in. Most of the members know my kids and love seeing them. My kids know how to work and know the value of a dollar. What's made the biggest difference is that I work "only when I have to" and Jenise knows it. I take time off to spend with the family when I can. Sometimes I have to work alot and sometimes I can get away with an extra day off. The fact that I take those days when I can makes all the difference in the world to Jenise.
I love you Victor!!
ReplyDelete