NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME__________________ DATE OF BIRTH_________ HEIGHT_________
WEIGHT_______ IQ_____ GPA_______SOCIAL SECURITY #___________
DRIVERS LICENSE #_____________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________
HOME ADDRESS_________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married: _________________________________
If less than your age, explain: __________________________________________
Matching Section
I believe knowledge is a very important thing for a young man to have, especially when one is interested in dating my daughter. By drawing a line, please match the weapons on the left to the appropriate amount of damage they can do to a human body, on the right. It would be in your best interest to know these answers and NEVER, ever forget them.
1) .357 Magnum a. The ability to smack the daylights out of punk kids
while leaving minimal evidence.
2) 9 mm handgun b. can put a 12 inch hole in your chest.
3) Shotgun c. can take your shoulder off at 15 feet
4) 1 inch steel pipe I keep d. can put 15 rounds in your body in about 10 seconds in my closet.
5) My bare hands e. can break every bone in your body
Multiple Choice Section
1. What are the acceptable ways that you may address me? (Circle all that apply)
A. Mr. Brawner B. Sir C. Dude D. No words but quickly jerking your head in an upward motion as if to say “What’s up?”
2. Animals can only find a human body if it is within 12 inches of the surface of the ground. Guess how long it takes me to dig a grave that is 13 inches deep and your height.
A. 1 day B. 20 minutes C. It doesn’t matter Sir, because it will never come to that.
3. Let’s pretend that one day my daughter loses her mind and suggests that you two should kiss, “make out,” or engage in any other act beyond holding hands. Your response will be:
A. Yes B. Cool C. Out of a deep rooted respect for your fathers’ ability and willingness to emasculate me, I will have to decline. However, I would very much like to “court” you as a proper gentleman after your father has given me permission.
Some facts about me that you may find helpful
1. On more than one occasion I have been in a situation where I was forced to take another persons life. I am very comfortable in this situation.
2. I have detailed knowledge of the human body that includes pressure points, major blood vessels, major airways, and pretty much anything necessary to hurt you.
3. I love my daughter more than my freedom. In addition, I am so arrogant I honestly believe I can make you disappear and completely get away with it.
4. I have extensive knowledge of several “back roads, abandoned highways, cabins, etc...” and other places in the deserts of central Oregon that would prohibit anyone within 20 miles from hearing your screams.
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A waterbed? __Yes __No
C. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
D. A tattoo? __Yes __No
E. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, describe YOUR INTENTIONS with my daughter.
_________________________________________________________________________________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:__________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:_________________
C: A woman's place is in the:___________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: __________________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _______________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: __________________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND ANYTHING ELSE MR. BRAWNER COMES UP WITH.
______________________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
__________________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
__________________________________ _________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
Thank you for applying,
Mr. Brawner
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